The Thing They DON'T Tell you When You Get Married

It is a common practice at some point during a bridal shower, for all married women in attendance to give advice to the bride-to-be. The typical comments are usually made and generally expected. “Communication is the key.” “Remember to respect to your husband.” “Make decisions together.” “As long as you don’t deny your husband, you’ll be good to go!”

Though there are plenty of useful tokens of advice shared at these events, I’ve found the advice that helps with the ugly truths are the ones that are the most poignant. You can tell a bride-to-be that maintaining open lines of communication is what will lead to a happy marriage. However, no one tells you what to do when your husband is communicating a little too much for his own good, and in a much less than constructive tone.

The one thing I’ve noticed that is rarely ever discussed is the change of dynamic that happens once the honeymoon is over and real life begins. Fights are no longer petty. They can be ugly and hurtful, with the full intention to sting and cause shock. Once you’ve said “I do” and signed on the dotted line, you’ve vowed the usual which inevitably equates to, “I will not walk away from this relationship just because we’ve had a fight.” However, the characteristics of the fights change dramatically once you are married.

Once you feel secure in your relationship, it becomes easier to abuse it. The volumes in voices tend to, shall we say, increase significantly. Instead of biting your tongue you lash out. Insults flow with ease. Before you know it your relationship becomes something you barely even recognize.

If you are a newlywed and this sounds all too familiar to you take heart, you are not alone and your marriage is not going down the drain. This is the part where all the pre-marital advice comes into play. Communication really IS the key but more often than not, it’s not just something that happens with the flip of a switch and it’s NOT easy. Once you’ve been yelled at and insulted, why on earth would you want to communicate?!

Don’t force communication. If your husband has just verbally slapped you in the face, close your mouth. Give yourself a moment, better yet an hour or two, to cool down. Remind yourself that men and women communicate differently. Make the choice to be the bigger person. That isn’t to say that you are never at fault, so don’t become overconfident to the point where you feel like you are taking the higher road by being the bigger person. You are not always right! However, the immediate goal should be to diffuse an argument before it gets any worse. If fooling yourself into thinking you’re being the bigger person helps you to walk away from an escalating situation, so be it. Usually, once you’ve removed yourself and had a little time to think, you’ll see how you may’ve contributed to the ugliness, or even caused it all by yourself!